A supervillain and vigilante fall for each other while trying to please their feuding fathers.
SummaryThink if Batman and Joker had kids who take up their mantles but the kids fall for each other.
Your logline has conflict but it is a love story? You labeled the kids as SV and V but it’s their fathers that have established those identities. We will empathize with the children with once you show their lives. So the logline could read: What if Romeo and Juliet’s fathers were superheroes? Now this is not necessarily a good logline in and of itself. But if the reader knows who R&J are, and what a superhero is, then it’s going to spur their curiosity and can imagine their absurd lives without reading more. Your logline does that but is misdirected. If you test my logline on others you’ll see a bigger reaction to your idea. Keep working it out.
This story is a great idea. You labeled this as a comedy. But it it’s more of an action drama with some comic relief thrown in.
This movie is about Sallie and Victor’s desire and struggle to live their own lives, and not the one’s their fathers want them to lead. So that needs to be portrayed all the time throughout the script, both in action and exposition -- struggle for independence. Victor wants… what? To live on his own. You don’t know anything else about him. What does he want? Sallie wanted to be a vigilante but then… just a kick to the jaw stops her? It doesn’t jive.
Screenplays are about solving puzzles. You have set up some but the solutions are revealed in the last 20 pages. So the audience isn’t having fun figuring things out along the way. Hal we know has a crush on Sallie but he is angry when finds out she is in love with Victor and becomes unstable. Where does this come from? I know you make it so he interferes with the last fight in the warehouse but it’s a quick development that we don’t see coming, while a good twist. (if you don’t agree then you need to have him exhibit more poor behavior at her lunch rejections etc).
Your script formatting and language is really good. You balance fight scenes with detail and general descriptions well. Your dialogue is pretty good. I had a rough time with it as a comedy because plays out more like a superhero 90s movie: an action drama with lighter moments. So if you are trying to make us laugh keep working out those moments. When I was reading your characters the Venture Bros came to mind with the family scenarios and unusual spy lives.
Your climax has a lot of rewards because of the story you wove. But it seemed a little too short. There wasn’t sustained tension with all of the cameos happening and then resolves, only to repeat with a new cameo and quick resolution. That’s the fun possibility of your climax - those cameos and revealed twists.
Nice job. I look forward to you refining it and seeing it made!
Awesome screenplay. I really enjoyed reading it. It was humorous the whole way through.
Dialog was great. Structure was great. So I’m not going to waste time on those topics. I’ll focus on some plot points and other minor details.
THINGS I REALLY HOPE YOU CHANGE:
• It was hard for me to believe that at sixteen years old, Sallie is going to give up training to be a hero because of a broken jaw. It was set up the whole time that she seemed to love it and one a broken jaw really doesn’t seem like a big enough deal for me to give up a lifelong dream. If you can find a way where she almost dies and has to be rushed to the hospital where Evelyn freaks out, then I would believe it more. Especially if you can work it to where it’s obvious that Sallie is only giving it up for her mom’s sake which ties into my next point.
• I really wanted Sallie to become Masquerade at the end. Again, it was a childhood dream that I feel like she gave up on. It’s great that Victor gets out of being a villain in the end because he never wanted it. But little Sallie did want to be a hero and I feel like she settled. I think you are going for the “everyone is a hero just by being themselves” thing and it’s not bad the way it is but I’m just giving an idea of how I would have liked to see it end as food for thought. Also, if you showed her as a desk jockey in the beginning, and at some point, as Masquerade, running down a criminal doing a real crime, then we could see her remember how much she enjoys actually being a hero. And this would be a greater change for her character going from an unhappy desk jockey detective to really living her dream as a hero.
• Drop the “the” in The Shadow. You’re doing a Batman spoof and rarely have I heard “The Batman”. Batman sounds cooler. So does Shadow.
• On page 47: the weight of a jacket underwater is negligible. If you want one last obstacle in that scene you could have the jacket get caught on something like the jib or the man get a foot stuck under something (like the jib). Or do nothing at all and have Victor bring the man up. But the jacket weight is not believable.
• On page 67: Remove the $80 detail. If you feel you need to show money was sent then just have a “Money Sent” message on the phone. Having $80 makes me have distracting thoughts like “she did all that for eighty bucks?”. But I don’t think you need to show money transfers at all.
• It seemed very out of character for Sallie to want to shoot Hal to save her Masquerade identity. She’s supposed to be the hero. Even as sick as Hal turned out to be, the fact that she contemplated killing him caught me off guard and not in a good way.
• The ending with Betty in the Antarctic Sea seemed really random. Did I miss something? Why a cargo hold on a ship in the middle of the ocean? Also, I wouldn’t have this as my last scene. Focus on your main characters for the last scene.
THINGS TO CONSIDER CHANGING:
• After Victor drags Dan out of the water, consider having Victor do the CPR that way he is the ultimate hero in that moment. Or it could be funny to have Sallie do the CPR while also holding a gun on Victor.
• Near same scene on p49: maybe have Ray switch channels to a horribly acted soap opera instead of a sitcom.
• Near same scene: So I loved the beginning where we learn both kids have asthma. It’s sweet and I don’t think you play it up quite enough. Here’s a spot where you may be able to do it. As Victor and Masquerade fight for the first time and get short on breath, Sallie could see Victor dying and save him with her inhaler. She would need a puff too. After they catch their breath, they resume fighting. Hopefully, you could work it to be both sweet and funny.
• I wish Victor had a cool hero name like everyone else.
• Page 73: the sex comes too soon for me. I want them to be together but it felt rushed here. I actually wouldn’t have them have sex at all in the story. This scene could be about them starting to fall for each other and opening up as Victor later does by revealing the story about his mom.
• Betty Twist: at first I didn’t like it but the reveal about her being the mom made it cool.
• Larry Twist: ehhh, it was ok for me. It seemed to come out of nowhere though. Don’t get me wrong, it makes sense and it works, but maybe a bit more setup in the beginning would help. In other words, have him do some things that either show he is shady or at least not a complete slob. I know you had him lying to the chief for Sallie and everything but it still felt pretty convenient for your heroes when the twist occurred.
• Hal Twist: this one bothered me the most. I read Hal as a lovable loser who we knew wasn’t going to get the girl but still could be her friend and find happiness with someone else. Instead, he turned out to be demented. Again, subtle things sprinkled through the story to hint he may be nuts would have helped this twist.
Overall, a really good screenplay. I would give it a CONSIDER if not a RECOMMEND. If it were a movie as is, I think I would really enjoy it. And, obviously if you decide to incorporate any of my suggestions I would like it better but those are just my opinions. Great work!