By jeswainston

One man must save the world to save himself.


Rating is only available to members
Genre: Action/Adventure
No. Reviews: 1 | Length: 133 pages
Published: 6 months ago


Key to Paradise – sci fi/action

Able Kane just wants to do his job as a Bounty Cop, and be left alone, but when a new assignment thrusts him and his partner Kip Kipling into a dangerous plot, their lives and the fate of the whole planet is at stake.

ABLE KANE, 40+ and well built has a simple life; go to work, go home, eat, sleep and repeat. But one day, he and his partner, ROBERT “KIP” KIPLING, 30+, lean, pale and ethereal, are recruited by the Chief Judicial Enforcer, EVE JOHNSON, 50+, deceptively feminine but hard looking, recruits them for an important assignment; an old moon base missile facility has become activated and they need an old fashioned key to turn it off. The only person who still has such keys is an old collector, who keeps a low profile by living amongst the workforce on Earth. They are assigned a tracker, CHARLI CAMERON, 20+, pretty in a lush way, despite Able’s reluctance, they take her along. After locating the collector, the assignment goes south and they are being hunted by their own Judicial force. Kip is taken by the Bounty Cops and able races to rescue his friend and save the world.

Able Kane is a good bounty cop, doing his job thoroughly and professionally, along with his partner Kip Kipling. They take out criminals on the dna black market with efficiency, so much so that they have gained the attention of their boss, Chief Judicial Enforcer, Eve Johnson. After a routine mission, they are called to her office, where she hands them an life or death assignment; find the man who holds the key to a moon base missile facility that has become active and use the key to turn it off. If they fail, the Earth will be bombed until no life remains. She assigns a green young tracker named Charli Cameron, which Able tries to refuse, to help locate the collector. Reluctantly they take on the mission.

After a traumatic event in finding the collector, they are taken to his home by a young woman to wait for him. The woman feeds them as they wait.

Meanwhile, CJE Eve Johnson has a private communication with an unrevealed contact that shows her intentions are not so benign. She has a plan that involves allowing the Earth to be bombed, so she can then have it terraformed and returned to it’s former beauty. She plans on taking control and then selling off plots to her rich off world contacts.

In the morning, the collector returns and is taken captive. In the scuffle, the woman is killed by Charli and the old collector becomes submissive. Kip calls in the death of the woman and the group leave as sirens approach. As they make their way through the streets, sirens race towards them and suddenly Kip is surveying the scene while Able pulls the collector into hiding. The CJE’s private security force arrives and surrounds them, demanding they lay down their weapons and come out with the collector. After a brief fire fight with the security force, Kip is taken captive and Able escapes with Charli and the collector. After reaching a place of limited safety, the public announcement screens light up and claim Kip is a traitor. Able is forced to watch as his partner is publicly executed. Spurred by the death of his partner, Able leads the security force on a wild chase away from where he has sequestered Charli and the collector. Soon, he doubles back and then takes them to his own apartment.

Over night, Charli tries to seduce Able, to distract him from her actual mission; to kill the collector and take the key to return it to Eve Johnson. Able discovers her deception and kills her, but only after the collector is dead. He takes the key, realizing that he is on his own and his only chance to save the Earth is to get the key to the missile facility, and turn off the countdown himself.

Eve is entertaining guests, regaling them with her plans for the renewed Earth, when she receives word from Able has gone off grid and Charli and the collector are dead. She offers him a deal to let her finish what she started, so long as he turns himself in immediately He refuses and ends the transmission. She excuses herself and retires to her private shuttle, which she takes to the moon base.

Able finds his way to the moon base, where he confronts the CJE Eve Johnson. After a brief exchange, he kills her and races to the control room with the key. He arrives, after fighting off several guards, only to find that Kip isn’t dead, but is attached to the controls in a way that moving him will either kill him or advance the countdown faster. Choosing to release Kip, and hoping he can still save the Earth, he removes Kip from the panel and inserts the key. He turns it and the countdown speeds up. He sits with Kip until the countdown reaches zero, but the machinery that will launch the missiles malfunctions and the Earth is saved.

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This is a well done script that moves nicely. It has a good story and believable characters with appropriate dialogue. The scenes and action are done well and the pacing is good. The major flaw in the script is the character Charli. You describe her as 20-something but Johnson says she is the best intelligence operative. The audience knows she is a watchdog in addition to providing field data. But you portray her as inexperienced in the field (pg 78) yet she shoots fellow officers. Now if you were going to make her act young and innocent to deceive everyone, this works. But you have too many flip-flops along the way:

pg 78 charli shoots the cops? She was just about to shoot Nikolai (making the audience think she is in on it) and now she is defying authority? Need more build up for that moment (i.e. she’s lawful but thinks independently).

pg 84 she hits Nikolai when he is tied up? But she has no field experience? Or has she tortured before? It just doesn’t jive with a green operative. Pg 95 too about DNA scanner.

Pg 85 Abel tells Charli not to use device. So we are assuming they can’t track a government issued device? Just something for consideration.

pg 86 then Charli starts to cry because being left alone and inexperienced? Need to fix the character traits! Because then she wants a reassuring hug?!!

Pg 91 When Abel sees the necklace on Nikolai when he first apprehends him, does Charli not see it too pg ? And wouldn’t she when was beating him up?

Pg 99 if Abel doesn’t trust Charli (Because she beat up Nikolai) then why would he trust her to shower?

Pg 107 now she wants to bed him, and he accepts? If he doesn’t trust her he would never allow his prisoner to go unprotected. Now if you had her massage him into sleep... or manipulated him to open up about his feelings and that exhausts him...

Pg 111 where did she get a cannon from if they are on the run? BH have weapons checked and issued so unless he has a rogue weapon Abel would not have one in his apartment.

So your main rewrite is to fix Charli. If she is an amazing young agent, then counter her acting green with Abel seeing little words/actions that make him doubt her persona. All cops know how to smell a fake, even though they might not be able to pin it in the beginning.

pg 88 Abel, is he wearing the red jacket? Doesn’t that mean he really stands out? If so, the crowd would immediate look at him because he is the only red jacket around, right? I know Kip turned his jacket inside out so that is probably all Abel needs to do in the script.

Pg 128 Why does Kip know how to operate an old lock?? Or how to dismantle the bomb. This is not Austin Powers where the bad guys explain everything.

  • 4 months ago
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  • 3.5