This is a well done script that moves nicely. It has a good story and believable characters with appropriate dialogue. The scenes and action are done well and the pacing is good. The major flaw in the script is the character Charli. You describe her as 20-something but Johnson says she is the best intelligence operative. The audience knows she is a watchdog in addition to providing field data. But you portray her as inexperienced in the field (pg 78) yet she shoots fellow officers. Now if you were going to make her act young and innocent to deceive everyone, this works. But you have too many flip-flops along the way:
pg 78 charli shoots the cops? She was just about to shoot Nikolai (making the audience think she is in on it) and now she is defying authority? Need more build up for that moment (i.e. she’s lawful but thinks independently).
pg 84 she hits Nikolai when he is tied up? But she has no field experience? Or has she tortured before? It just doesn’t jive with a green operative. Pg 95 too about DNA scanner.
Pg 85 Abel tells Charli not to use device. So we are assuming they can’t track a government issued device? Just something for consideration.
pg 86 then Charli starts to cry because being left alone and inexperienced? Need to fix the character traits! Because then she wants a reassuring hug?!!
Pg 91 When Abel sees the necklace on Nikolai when he first apprehends him, does Charli not see it too pg ? And wouldn’t she when was beating him up?
Pg 99 if Abel doesn’t trust Charli (Because she beat up Nikolai) then why would he trust her to shower?
Pg 107 now she wants to bed him, and he accepts? If he doesn’t trust her he would never allow his prisoner to go unprotected. Now if you had her massage him into sleep... or manipulated him to open up about his feelings and that exhausts him...
Pg 111 where did she get a cannon from if they are on the run? BH have weapons checked and issued so unless he has a rogue weapon Abel would not have one in his apartment.
So your main rewrite is to fix Charli. If she is an amazing young agent, then counter her acting green with Abel seeing little words/actions that make him doubt her persona. All cops know how to smell a fake, even though they might not be able to pin it in the beginning.
pg 88 Abel, is he wearing the red jacket? Doesn’t that mean he really stands out? If so, the crowd would immediate look at him because he is the only red jacket around, right? I know Kip turned his jacket inside out so that is probably all Abel needs to do in the script.
Pg 128 Why does Kip know how to operate an old lock?? Or how to dismantle the bomb. This is not Austin Powers where the bad guys explain everything.