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Nomineees for Next Month
|What We Did That Summer Feature||Nick Romantini||February - 2019|
|Briarwood TV Series||Abby LaMarre||February - 2019|
|Bop Short||Brent Woodroof||February - 2019|
|Lake Of Fire Draftf#4 Feature||Anthony Silverwood||January - 2019|
|Westphall TV Series||Keith St. Lawrence||January - 2019|
|SUNRISE Short||Ronald Mathews||January - 2019|
|Villain Feature||Kat Bosworth||December - 2018|
|Blind Ambition Short||Renee Brown||December - 2018|
|Jé Rouge Short||Pablo Conseco Hernandez Diaz||November - 2018|
|The Hobo TV Series||Michael White||November - 2018|
|Finding Milana Short||Kyle Stout||November - 2018|
|Bound by Blood Feature||Esem Samuels||October - 2018|
|Southside Feature||Pablo Conseco Hernandez Diaz||October - 2018|
|Internal Affairs TV Series||Shawn Decker||October - 2018|
First of, let me congratulate you on capturing emotions on paper so well that at some point, I began to root for Asure and Ahmad to succeed and be together. You did well. Congratulation!!!!! On concept, it is good. Most concepts are good but the problem often lies on how the project is executed. Don't worry, I will get into the specs soon. Meanwhile, the concept is okay. It will make a good drama story. One full of tears. The logline needs work. It is good but could be better. The first ten pages is okay. I say this because I don't really get where you introduced the main character. I mean it is not really a scene. You just wrote thinks about her and started the story with the beach scene. Instead of doing that, rather introduce her in the beach scene. Again, when you were introducing her, you wrote things like her height. Please, a character's height plays little or no significance in a screenplay unless we are going to be seeing the height add to the plot. Otherwise, get rid of it. And you keep referring to Asure and Ahmad as "the two characters" Don't call your characters "characters". It sounds so unreal. The goal is to make those people on paper real. And also get rid of all 'cut to' in the script. No one uses them anymore in a spec screenplay. Again is the scene headings. Some scenes have it while some don't. I don't know if you did that on purpose but trust me, there is no better way to tell the reader where an action is happening is not through the scene heading. Some scenes are good while some are not. Please stop writing things like "Asure exits the scene". Rather write stuff like "Asure goes away or Asure walks away" Also, stop putting some actions in parenthesis unless the action happens before a dialogue. I think the lead character role is good enough. I get who she is and why she behaves that way. A little insight in her back story will not hurt. But in all, Asure can be made more compelling. Also find a way to raise the stakes. It is not enough that her ex boyfriend is the only conflict. Add more. The more their is conflict the more drama happens and the more interesting the story becomes. The dialogues are good. I would have given you an excellent in dialogue but there are places where the characters said a little too much. This is something that would be performed so find a way to cut down the fat dialogues. But the dialogues between characters were truly impacting. Real. Raw. Good. But that doesn't mean it can't be better. The pacing in the story is okay. I mean its drama so it's all good. I must confess, the climax is a little bit disappointing. I thought she will chase him down. You know, like drive her car a little reckless to get to the love of her life. Do a few crazy things. It is not satisfying for them to just meet in his place and talk it over and then he moves in. Make her act in a way we have not seen before to show that she has truly changed something about her and that love is the key to that change. In all, I like the script. I like the story. Its a love thing so I like love stuff. But change a few things and put the script in the right format and you will have a good piece in your hands.
I like the concept. It is good and original. I thought the script started well though it could have started better. The concept is strong and can make an awesome story. Good idea Cho. The logline is good but can be better. It conveyed the message but it can be made to be more catchy. The first ten pages is fair but it could also be so much better. The story started in the most normal way. I was hoping I will get to see this guy on a job so we can get a sense of what it is he actually does before he gets the big call for the big job. The first ten pages didn't draw me in entirely but at the same time it didn't bore me. I guess I could say it is okay but who wants okay? Everyone wants GREAT, right? Writing is rewriting. I'm sure you will come up with something more. Some scenes are okay while some are bad. And some other scenes are confusing. I mean the restaurant scene where Alex and Sara were talking and then Sara starts crying and then Alex starts crying too. Yes I get that his wife is dead and I also get that Sara's boyfriend is dead too. It's okay for Sara to cry at that point but Alex should have grieved for his wife when he first found out. Let him do all the crying then and focus on the mission. After all, he still gotta save the world. The protagonist is good but not compelling. Not yet. So much could be added to make him compelling. He's got the potential to be. And my worst disappointment is Sayed. The way he died is just not right. For a man who does his kind of job, he should do better than to be killed anyhow. I suggest you make Sayed terrorize Alex more. Make him pursue Alex to the ends of the earth. Make him team up with the others he is working with to achieve his goal. Make him a monster. His character is too valuable to be wasted. The dialogue is good but could be better. Again your action/narrative/description was nice and flows well in the beginning but as the script progresses, it is as if someone else took over. Using past tense sometimes to convey your point is bad. Doesn't show true professionalism. On page 37, the narrative is not good. I suggest you find more better ways to reveal how the antagonists handle their captors. Read more scripts and learn more. Many narratives are like that throughout the script. And the way you showed the slow motion on page 62 is not good. There are ways to do that effectively. Read more scripts and learn more. The conflict is not very real especially the restaurant scene when Sayed showed up with his men. I don't fully understand what happened there. The pacing is good but could be better. It staggers sometimes but it is only due to not so good scenes in the script. If you find a way to fix the scenes and make them more better, the entire pacing in the script will take more shape. The climax is not very good. A good script never leaves any character behind. I never got to know what happened in Egypt and David and his workers. You should show us in your next draft. Did they leave the job behind because Alex didn't show up? Or did they continue without him? Its important we know. The script certainly reads fair. Lots of work has been put in it but it is still not there yet. It needs more lots of work. But in all, it had potential to be truly great. You will get there.
I think that the concept has something in it. Could really make a great story but the way everything is playing out is just frustrating. Honestly, by the time I got to page 20, I was lost. Especially with the cutting back and forth in Darren's life. By page 35, I'm already done trying to rap my head around this guy's life. I find myself going backwards to read previous pages to grasp the plot but I don't get it. Question: what the hell is Darren doing running around? In first few pages, especially the bathroom scenes, there were lots of dialogue but later in the script, it went away. Then returned at the end. The logline certainly got me reading it but the fact is I got lost. The story wasn't clear. Darren's motives and aims weren't clear. And what the hell is the bathroom scene supposed to show? Make me feel sorry for him? I don't because I don't understand him. Scenes are not well written. There over description of things throughout the script. The colour of the wall, the colour of the couch, the dress a character is wearing. You only make reference to things like that when it adds to the plot otherwise, we don't need to know all those details. The protagonist is doing stuff I don't know why he is doing them so it is very hard to say whether he is compelling or not. Maybe you wrote this script months ago and you have moved on but if you have been writing since then, you are a better writer now. You need to revisit this script and rebuild the character. Flesh out good back stories to help you get started. I think the conflict is not very real simply because the characters don't look real. Characters appear real when they have clear aims and objectives and also have motives and drives. Extract each character in your story, give them aim, objectives, plans to achieve their aims and they will start to look and talk and act real. Now the pacing of the story Is quite a different thing. I mean there are ways to write scripts with past and present so that you don't confuse your reader. Honestly, you got me confused big time. I suggest you go online, find scripts like yours, download them and read them. Learn better ways to show your idea because trust me, you have got something here. The climax is not very satisfying. Darren at the gym trying to move past who he is to something better. Writing a truly satisfying story can be tricky and hard sometimes but it takes determination and hardworking to get there. You gotta find a more compelling way to show this. Give us a climax worth our time. In all, it is not a good script. There is no other way to put it. It doesn't make me wanna flip the pages. Actually, it made it wanna flip the pages but only to get it over with. I fought myself the entire time I was reading not to skim through the script.