To be eligible for Screenplay of the Month, your script needs at least 2 complete reviews within the last 47 days (May 1, 2019).
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Nomineees for Next Month
|Gravekeeper TV Series||Rindzler||June - 2019|
|Ungifted Feature||John Porter||June - 2019|
|The Bench (working title suggestions welcome) Short||Caleb Densman||June - 2019|
|The Hobo (Draft 2) TV Series||Michael White||May - 2019|
|What We Did That Summer Feature||Nick Romantini||May - 2019|
|Man on the Phone Short||Rakin Islam||May - 2019|
|The Soft Green Claw Feature||Esem Samuels||April - 2019|
|HE IS HERE Short||Tedd Luv||April - 2019|
|Chicago Overcoat TV Series||Abby LaMarre||April - 2019|
|The Nökken Feature||JoAnn Gartin||March - 2019|
|Briarwood TV Series||Abby LaMarre||March - 2019|
|Bop Short||Brent Woodroof||March - 2019|
|What We Did That Summer Feature||Nick Romantini||February - 2019|
|Bop Short||Brent Woodroof||February - 2019|
|Lake Of Fire Draftf#4 Feature||Anthony Silverwood||January - 2019|
|Westphall TV Series||Keith St. Lawrence||January - 2019|
|SUNRISE Short||Ronald Mathews||January - 2019|
|Villain Feature||Kat Bosworth||December - 2018|
|Blind Ambition Short||Renee Brown||December - 2018|
|Jé Rouge Short||Pablo Conseco Hernandez Diaz||November - 2018|
|The Hobo TV Series||Michael White||November - 2018|
|Finding Milana Short||Kyle Stout||November - 2018|
|Bound by Blood Feature||Esem Samuels||October - 2018|
|Inner City Blues Feature||Pablo Conseco Hernandez Diaz||October - 2018|
|Internal Affairs TV Series||Shawn Decker||October - 2018|
Concept: I've seen several movies about characters getting an inheritance from a deceased loved one, but the inheritance is usually money or a house or land of some kind, but definitely not a gun. The inheritance of the gun is the only somewhat original thing about the concept here. Story: The story wasn't good. I honestly had to stop reading it about halfway through because of how ridiculous and cliche it was. Knowing that the inheritance is a gun is something different, but from what I've read, you took the easy way out and made the dead grandfather possess the gun for evil deeds, just like many, MANY other horror stories. There are way too many horror films in which the nicest people you could meet die and they come back as evil, demonic spirits for literally no reason. You could've gone down the path of Lonnie just straight up loses his sanity and takes it out on his loved ones with the gun in his grandfather's name or something like that. Possession is one of the dumbest and most cliched things to add into a horror story because they are not scary and they are greatly overused. Structure: The story kind of jumps around from scene to scene and it gets hard to follow along with, especially since it feels like I'm reading a book in script format rather than a legitimate script. Some felt like they dragged on and on whereas others felt like they were just unnecessary. Character Development: There was little character development shown. All I got from this was that Lonnie got bullied at school for reasons unknown and that he was close to his grandfather. That and his grandfather did bad stuff and returned to possess a gun for evil. This kind of character development doesn't really make sense to me and needs to be further looked into and explored because, with all that's presented, I didn't care one bit about the characters. Dialogue: A lot of the dialogue came off as unrealistic and even at some points exaggerated. This was one of the main reasons why I couldn't finish the story. The dialogue was ridiculous and it didn't feel like it flowed very well for plot or transitions. Conclusion: A lot of work needs put into this for it to receive better feedback, specifically on originality for storytelling, better character development, and realistic dialogue. There were also several instances of missing punctuation and words that were missing apostrophes, but those are more nitpicks. But that being said, with those changes, this could turn out to be a decent thrilling short story.
First of all I want to say that your writing is really good, there are no errors and the dialogues are great, it's very pleasant to read your script and the coldness of David is well transcribed. Personally, I think that the biggest problem of your script is the beginning. I really think that it would be better if you showed us the characters before entering the theatre. We don't really know the relationship of the two protagonists, are they married, did they just met. Furthermore, it would be better to have a normal beginning to trick the spectator, making him believe that this is a normal film, it's just a couple having fun and then they enter the theatre. Before that David was acting normally, they were laughing in the street but then the nightmare begins, David's attitude change, he becomes weird etc... I really think that with a beginning like this the spectator will be more surprised and more implicated in the movie because the genre changes. I also really liked the end, when the baby is born he screams and that made me think of a baby that cries in a theater, didn't really know if that was your attention but I found it intelligent. The parallel between what's happening in the movie and what will happen Diane is also good, it gives us a clue about what is gonna happen to her and install the ambience but again, if you're story had a beginning it would be better in my opinion because the movie would shock us even more. The starting of the movie could also be the start of David becoming weird, before the movie starts he is sitting comfortably, talking normally maybe even eating popcorn but then the movie starts and his personality switch, he talks weirdly. Frankly, I don't know what else to say, your script is short so I don't really know how i'm supposed to do a 400 words review, I hope that my review helped you and that you're gonna develop your script more. I'm sorry if my english isn't perfect it's not my first language. Also, i think that you could consider your film to be in black and white, when I read your script I directly imagined it in black and white I don't really know why, probably because I thought of Eraserhead and you said that Lynch was one of your inspiration.
The beginning was pretty good. I liked the exposition you did without outright saying the obvious 'this is Khaos, Khaos is a villain'. The interaction you had with Victor was pretty neat, because it showed not only his weaknesses, but his outright characterization. Same thing with Shadow and Sallie- it's a neat way to introduce the movie's focus without outright saying they are the main characters. My first issue was around page 9, when Ray is just like 'you know what let's make Sallie a superhero'. There's probably a more subtle way you can say that without outright yelling it- don't worry, though, I used to have that problem. Another problem is the script is mostly talk, no action. Have you EVER read an Avengers movie and seen that it's just a thousand lines sandwiched into action? Endgame was the #2 grossing film of all time for a reason, kid. Nobody wants to see 20 minutes of exposition. Also, the characters aren't that likeable. If you want to tell a story, you can't just have a Mary Sue for one and a Disney Channel Original Movie "I don't want to follow in your path" kid. Give these babies depth! Yet another issue was page 55. Not only did it take a fREAKING HOUR TO GET TO THE POINT, but that scene is supposed to be climatic- a show of love. It really was just- a bunch of words. Would you tell some kid you just met your entire life story? I don't think so. The last pages (around 70) with them fighting hooked me back in, and added something interesting to the story. I'd rather make it a wordless fight that shows their feelings with more than just words, though. And their romance feels- uh- forced. I don't ship them, and I ship literally EVERYONE in fiction. But I liked the tension you added with everyone finding out their secret. I also really liked the Hallmark movie gag- is it an inside joke? I always like to put inside jokes in my scripts ;) That plot twist, though, it seemed forced. Plot twists are only effective if there's a streak of witty foreshadowing, not a WOAH IT'S THIS AND WE NEED BACKSTORY TO EXPLAIN IT. Those don't work anymore. Ever seen The Lego Movie 2? If you haven't, then look up the screenplay: it's a kids movie, but it's proof in a screenplay that twist villains don't work anymore. I liked the last few scenes with Sallie, but you tried too hard for a happy ending. Why would Khaos know all these murders happened? It wouldn't really make sense. Lastly, I wouldn't suggest writing specific songs in the script, though- unless your movie is going to be funded by a million dollar studio, there's no way you'll get the proper usage rights to it. This is just my two cents on the script. With some editing, it can be an epic movie!