To be eligible for Screenplay of the Month, your script needs at least 2 complete reviews within the last 47 days (Jul 1, 2019).
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Nomineees for Next Month
|Unholy Union Short||Christine Locker||August - 2019|
|Operation: Anastasia Feature||John Aldrich||August - 2019|
|Singular - "Abs0lute Zer0" TV Series||Sammie Eastwood||August - 2019|
|Do It For Her Short||Abraam Dawod||July - 2019|
|You're Not All There Is Feature||Connor Davey||July - 2019|
|Stalemate TV Series||Luke Carroll||July - 2019|
|Gravekeeper TV Series||Rindzler||June - 2019|
|Ungifted Feature||John Porter||June - 2019|
|The Bench (working title suggestions welcome) Short||Caleb Densman||June - 2019|
|The Hobo (Draft 2) TV Series||Michael White||May - 2019|
|What We Did That Summer Feature||Nick Romantini||May - 2019|
|Man on the Phone Short||Rakin Islam||May - 2019|
|The Soft Green Claw Feature||Esem Samuels||April - 2019|
|HE IS HERE Short||Tedd Luv||April - 2019|
|Chicago Overcoat TV Series||Abby LaMarre||April - 2019|
|The Nökken Feature||JoAnn Gartin||March - 2019|
|Briarwood TV Series||Abby LaMarre||March - 2019|
|Bop Short||Brent Woodroof||March - 2019|
|What We Did That Summer Feature||Nick Romantini||February - 2019|
|Bop Short||Brent Woodroof||February - 2019|
|Lake Of Fire Draftf#4 Feature||Anthony Silverwood||January - 2019|
|Westphall TV Series||Keith St. Lawrence||January - 2019|
|SUNRISE Short||Ronald Mathews||January - 2019|
|Villain Feature||Kat Bosworth||December - 2018|
|Blind Ambition Short||Renee Brown||December - 2018|
|Jé Rouge Short||Pablo Conseco Hernandez Diaz||November - 2018|
|The Hobo TV Series||Michael White||November - 2018|
|Finding Milana Short||Kyle Stout||November - 2018|
|Bound by Blood Feature||Esem Samuels||October - 2018|
|Inner City Blues Feature||Pablo Conseco Hernandez Diaz||October - 2018|
|Internal Affairs TV Series||Shawn Decker||October - 2018|
first page We reveal ugh -- description only 6-time thing -- funny --- never heard that one ok - im getting ur more novelistic than i --- crisp clean scene description - what how u want a scene to go -- SHOW ME - scene descrip some but dialog that has subtext - in ur face even bar chat mini-drama (i never said this is easy... bane - also what makes it int'g) lone slug bottom pg5 lots of -ing pg6-7 - abandoned dialog EXT. APARTMENT COMPLEX – MORNING In the morning we reveal an ordinary apartment in a southern town in the United States. FADE IN: EXT. ROBIN HOOD TRAIL - EARLY MORNING We're FLYING above suburban America, DESCENDING SLOWLY toward a tree-lined street. EXT. - ROBIN HOOD TRAIL - DAY We're FLYING once again over Robin Hood Trail, ASCENDING SLOWLY. never heard big orange So, LA huh, the city of angels, the big naranja. dont know what this means AUSTIN That was his fault if we keeping it a buck. description - tell us what we see MRS. STARK Oh, that reminds me I have some things to give you guys. Mrs. Stark pulls out a box filled with things to give to Christina and Austin. incense Mrs. Stark pulls out multiple things. She pulls out a fertility blank. lots of sic --- their final hours end their apartment Dinner tomorrow at Luther’s tomorrow. pg36 pg42 A truck pulls up outside a watch Austin and Chris from afar. pg43 --- formatting AUSTIN No. It’s not that. (pause) I wanna marry you. pg48 --- many hints/foreshadows -- first overt dramatic action Two hooded people standing behind her and they take her. pg54 - im wondering where we are --- she's from tempe -- they were at her parents house - yet they left st louis for la .... ??? pg56 sic Greg gives a half ass salute ass everyone gets pg56 - need description EXT. STAGE - NIGHT Sheriff Kane and his men are outside cleaning up and getting ready to prepare for their ceremony. pg58 - finally something is happening p59 - They here a truck driving by in the distance and they both turn bales --- hay bails cool movie title: racist homicidal white trash but i like moving day too 1-2 sic per page --- spell-check doesnt fix context p77 --- this could be built-up - make it more dramatic, tense Merle turns around and walks back towards Chris’ table and looks under it but Chris has already left from under the table. p80 - no clue what this means Both men go back inside to come down and get the gun. p87 - a poker or stoker He enters the living room and grabs one of the tools from the fireplace. p88 - great place to end movie --- the last shot is ok ... expected KANE (CONT’D) One, you shoot her or I shoot you. That simple. Two, you don’t shoot her. I shoot you then I shoot her. Your world Violet. Make a choice.
The concept of the story is very original. However, this doesn't always make the script, and therefore the story itself, very good. I can tell imagination ran wild for this one. It is noticeable you didn't plan this very well. It is possible to change it: develop the characters, make the story a bit longer. It is probably possible as well, to change the genre completely, maybe even to ANY genre. You can do a lot with this script, which just tells it isn't finished and not very well planned. With a script this short, it is hard to develop the characters. However, we do get an idea of how Pete is right from the beginning. This is both good and bad. Good because you were able to create a character based on their dialogue; but bad because it's the very first thing that happens. You should include a scene or two before we get to know this much about Pete. One thing that's essential in scripts is that the dialogue drives and paces the story along. You have nailed this objective throughout the whole script, as it's almost only the dialogue that does this. But be careful, you do not want to be doing this forever. Actions are also important, but not so much in comedies, so you've done a pretty good job there! Does the script read well? For a script to be read well, it needs to be well written AND match the universal rules of format and structure of screenwriting. You should check for these mistakes throughout the script. If you want, my email is at the end of this review, and you can contact me. I can then give you a list of the errors that need correction, and how to correct them. Otherwise, just go over the script either alone or with someone else who knows the rules, too. Lastly, I would like to mention that you have met the genre. By this, I mean that you were able to match the tone of your script and the events in the story's timeline with what's expected from a screenplay of this genre. Well done! Thank you for reading through this long comment; and sorry for having made it way too long. Please contact me at email@example.com if you have any questions. You can also contact me if you have any other (more general) questions and/or doubts about screenwriting. I will be more than pleased to help fellow screenwriters.
For a script this short, it is hard to give some specific, rather than general, piece of constructive feedback. I have, however, made a list below of the things you could do to improve the script (in chronological order). After the first list, is another list of things you did really well in the script, so you get a clear idea of what to maintain and keep doing for future scripts. Improvements to make: - The name of the script on the title page could be more unique. You could change it to something like "An Invitation by Hand" or "Follow me, my dear". You could, of course, do something a bit shorter than that. - "FADE IN:" should be written on the left of the page, not the right. It's a shot (camera movement/action), not a transition. - Capitalise SHADOWS. I know it isn't the name of a character, but it should still be capitalised because it implies the existence of a character or a group of characters. - Capitalise SQUEAK. Important sounds should also be capitalised as they are a main part of the scene. However, there is no need to do this again when the hinges squeak again - only if it was later on in the scene. - Like the point above, capitalise SLAMS. It is an important, and loud, sound. - From when the door opens a crack to when Doug's breathing becomes erratic, you have included too many separate paragraphs of action. This is unnecessary. Try to play around with grouping the sentences together to form one big paragraph. The actions are all related and come one after the other, so there is no need for such separation. - Capitalise HAND; for the same reason as the SHADOWS. - Don't say "'dark' doorway. We already understand it's dark, no need to mention it directly as well. - Don't say that the finger 'points' at Doug. I can't think of another way to write it. This is just an example: "A wrinkled HAND reaches out through the doorway. One finger gestures for Doug to approach the closet." You can use it, by the way, if you like it. - Include an approximate age for the elderly woman. I know you are already saying she is 'elderly', but that is too vague. Elderly can be 70, or it can be 90... or 140 (if that's how the story goes :)). - When the woman is out of the closet, you have again written too many separate paragraphs. Try to join them together to make one paragraph. - Capitalise SCREAMS, when Doug "screams out". - After Doug says "You're dead!", there are, again, too many separate paragraphs. Try to join them. - It would be better if his skin was what went pale, and his lips blue. But you can keep it this way. - "FADE OUT" should have a full stop (.) at the end. It should be written as "FADE OUT." and this time, it is in fact on the right side of the page, unlike "FADE IN:". Now, is a list of what I thought (from my honest opinion) went incredibly well, and that I really enjoyed about the script (also in chronological order): - First of all, I really enjoy how you are two writers. For most screenwriters, writing in groups is a bit of a challenge. So congratulations on making this script together. - Doug's description. I love how brief and concise you have made it. Many screenwriters have difficulties in character descriptions, but you nailed it. Well done! - The description of the elderly woman is PERFECT! Good job there. You are really good and descriptions. - I really loved the ending. It slows down the pace of the story and ends it beautifully. Very well written! Good job! Thank you for reading through this long comment; and sorry for having made it way too long. Please contact me at firstname.lastname@example.org if you have any questions. You can also contact me if you have any other (more general) questions and/or doubts about screenwriting. I will be more than pleased to help fellow screenwriters.