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October Screenplay of the Month
Internal Affairs TV Series
Written By: shawndoc
Genre: Crime


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Lily (4th Draft) Short
Reviewed by: UDJASON

This is a warm story about forgiveness. I enjoyed the use of flashbacks and with some good direction, it could be done creatively to enhance the cinematic experience. The characters seem genuine. Particularly Lily who is understandably “not about” seeing her bio-dad. My issues come with Tim as he feels very flat. His reasoning for not being in her life comes off as one giant excuse. I don’t know how she isn’t able to see this Sorry I was an addict but I watched you at the park… i would rather have never met the guy. So what if you saw me. Man the f up and be in my life. What would make this better is if the story was actually about his substance abuse. If you show us Tim fighting with it, trying to get better (him telling us that he was in and out of rehab isn’t enough, it's a visual medium) show us him in a crack house, having to fight for some food, show us every time he tells himself this is the last time, show us the circumstances that lead him away from his goal. Right now he has no arc, but what if his arc is just admitting that he was weak, and his daughter calling him on his BS is what does it. This feels like it wants a so bad to have a happy ending, but you’re dressing something so serious in a short page count that, should it even have a happy ending? Or maybe a solid character arc is the happy ending, for the audience. Maybe her character arc has something to do with Roland, and seeing her bio-dad is the catalyst for really coming to terms with Roland being there for her. As a man, I wonder if I would ever allow anyone near the little girl i'm supposed to be protecting. Especially her deadbeat dad. Most often, the step dad doesn’t want the child anywhere near them, so that part I didn’t buy. I do like structurally, that he’s the reason why, but the slight twist at the end doesn’t make sense in the real world. Last point, maybe I missed this, but if Tim was watching her at the park, maybe they had little interactions here and there, then when did these interactions stop?there’s a big gap of time I’m not accounting for. Why the fall off?

Mister Short
Reviewed by: Rampota

I gave you a poor on concept because honestly, I didn't get it. What is the concept? Please enlighten me. The pacing is good. Creates urgency. Protagonist is good. All scenes are well written as it can be. Can't say much about dialogue but the three lines there were good. If there was conflict, I didn't see it. The climax just kept me wanting more.

The WCNS Channel Feature
Reviewed by: iAmBenny

There isn't much to say about this script. The stories aren't very original, being that they're rip-offs of classic black and white family TV. With its short 13-page run (which with proper formatting should probably only be 9 pages), it carries several grammatical errors. I'm not sure how to critique this when it's just a blatant regurgitation of other ideas. I did think the dialogue was ok (except that it was written for families in 1960 middle America to enjoy).