An important consideration is how to grab the reader's attention on the first page. Here's a suggestion. The opening montage is well done, moving quickly between the busy kitchens getting ready for a school. It's well done, with good details. But we all know those scenes from our ordinary lives. What if... Sophie gets a text message (on page 1) from Hawk during the morning rush that says she must call in NOW. I realize it changes the opening timing sequence, but it might be worth the work. Also, consider the "plant and payoff" technique. Plant some clues in the plot that pay results later.

I like the story idea, but I would like to see a resolution at the end. Also, maybe provide more explanation of how the app works, its business model, and how they discuss their own revenue metrics vs. whether to accept the offer. I didn't understand how she was discouraged that Dad couldn't make progress the 2nd time, but then suddenly he's walking the 3rd time. The first time the script mentions vitallink, it wasn't clear that was a company where they work, or why it was called "origin". The immediate flashback on page 1 isn't usually recommended. In this case, viewers might be confused if the 14-year old girl is the younger Riley, or maybe a neighbor or cousin.