by Grant Miller
Here were my thoughts on your script: 1. Concept - I liked the concept you went with. More of a mystery horror/thriller instead of a basic horror and you seemed to have fun with it. 2. Story - I feel like this is where the script falls flat for me unfortunately. It could be my fault since I binge watch horror a lot, but the ending and climax were pretty predictable. I think it could've been a more out of the box ending where he somehow gets taken into the picture instead of just the "FINAL DESTINATION DEATH" trope. 3. Structure - The structuring and formatting is spot on here. The entire script was cleanly written and was very easy to read through, so good job on that! 4. Character Development - I liked how each character was written, whether they had a lot of script time or not. Russell was definitely a good protagonist, it's just ashame the ending is how it is. 5. Dialogue - The dialogue felt almost exactly how teenagers would talk. I think the only less natural scene was with the three guys talking about the picture and it gets suggestive. Nothing wrong with suggestive, but it's gotta sound more genuine. 6. Conclusion - This was a pretty good short script. Characters, structure and dialogue were all very good. I would just make the story less predictable personally. Good job though!
I'm not eve sure where to start with this one. Straight away, the writer doesn't dictate the rating, that's the ratings board's job. Don't put a rating on your screenplay. This screenplay is like someone playing with their action figures. They are having a blast taking two characters and smashing them together without any regard for story, dialogue or basic storytelling. Freddy Vs. Jason gets to exist because Wes Craven is a master in his craft. He has decades of experience under his belt and has EARNED the right to have his characters cross over. We, and I am including myself in this, do not have that right. Tell a story that will grab the reader. Not one that leaves the reader asking WTF. I have read so many of your screenplays and I know that you are capable of writing a compelling story. Do not waste your time and talent with something like this.
Really cool riff on split personalities. Structurally sound except for one minor issue that I found: INT. scenes still need a time of day. I noticed several INT. scenes without them. Worth noting moving forward. Adding to this, "SUPER: Dream Sequence" implies that we the audience will see "DREAM SEQUENCE" on the screen. I'm not sure it this was your intent, but again, worth noting. Regarding the story beats, I couldn't help but wonder if it would serve the story better to open with the dream sequence and cut the beginning bit before he goes back to bed. Open with the action and "surprise" the audience with the whole "it was a dream all along" gag. I also found the use of profanity to be a bit overdone. I'm not a prude by any stretch but after a while the profanity in the script became meaningless. Maybe consider limiting the use of Fs and the like, to create a larger impact on important lines.
This is a good attempt at a familiar sitcom. There are several glaring issues with formation that need to be addressed, however. Right out of the gate, the watermark. Holy cow, get rid of it. Not only is it a bit obnoxious, it completely detracts from the actual material in the writing. Secondly, your dialogue comes off very stiff and awkward in parts. None of the characters really talk like humans, sitcom or not. Think about the market you would be trying to break in to and consider how to set yourself apart from the other thousand sitcoms on TV. The dialogue is where you should be able to do so with this story but it needs serious work. Additionally, your formatting is not quite right. For one, there seem to be empty spaces where there should not be. Take a look though the script and find any blank lines. You may end up losing a page in doing so. In the same vain as formatting, there were a few instances where the action dictated a scene change such as walking upstairs but the change in scene did not come with a new slug. In regards to my previous note regarding the premise; keep in mind how many other sitcoms have successfully covered the subject you are pitching. Now consider how many sitcoms did not make it to series. You have an uphill climb. This script needs to be workshopped hard if you want to break through the mold. Keep working at it, I believe that you have the skeleton of a good story, you just need to work on the connective tissue.