Don't use non-visual and non-auditory descriptions. This is an audio-visual media. You can only use visuals and audio to communicate the story. Not smells, internal thoughts, or non-expressed feelings. The story starts very engagingly, which is very good, especially for what I assume to be a series pilot. If this was a feature, leaving out the explanation of that first boat scene would be a mistake. But for a short-format TV series, it's a standard trick to keep the audience come back for future episodes. It works. Dialog OK given that these are kids. So we can't expect anything too profound. But formatting needs to be checked an fixed. Many dialog lines are intermixed with action lines and vise versa. Characters are OK for starter, But would need more individual development in later episodes. Even if they are kids. I understand that in this pilot episode you wanted to get out the gate with a lot of action to get the audience hooked. And it worked. Later episodes, when things go into occasional lulls to give the audience breather, spend time developing the characters through their actions/dialog so we can relate to them and fee attached to them. Needs a thorough proof read. This would be a deal-killer for many potential producers right off-the bat.

I really could not understand what happened, Amrita falls into a fantasy or a dream? I could not point why it went so quickly from the restaurant to the street, maybe there is a strong concept that is lost in the writing, but after she fell I was struggling to keep up as if the plot was forcing a twist that had nothing to do with the begining of the story. Honestly, I was bored and did not really felt like reading. It felt as if the character was just going on a random set of events that were not connected and the descriptions were so cold and unimaginative that i did not really cared to read it, it felt pushed and perhaps too raw, as if it was only written out of the mind without any previous thinking.