by Emily (E.M.P.) Phillips
I thoroughly enjoyed reading this screenplay. It had me scrolling through the pages in suspense very early. It is a fascinating story linking the autism phenomenon to savants and then adding layers of betrayal, human interest and high technology. This is a brilliant work that crafts multiple storylines into a cohesive tale. Early on, the doctor’s conflict the Lt Col. was strong and present er both sides of ethic quickly. There was no question who was the good person, and who was the bad one. The relationship between the doctor and her assistant adds to the drama and is believable. I liked the date with the dolphin. It is unique and adds to the character of the screenplay. The various patients were attractive and added to the screenplay. The use of the ‘watchers’ as a key element in the plot is handled skillfully in measured exposure. Green is an amazing character and is presented well with a lot of tension and suspense. The various episodes involving the patients and the use of the dayroom are highlights to the story, adding amazement and presenting something to make everyone think. The science of the brain scans provides a vehicle for the audience to see what the doctors see. The villains are successfully depicted and will have the audience focused on how the screenplay develops. The subplot concerning the doctor, Benjamin and Davis was a strength in the story line. The ending – Number One’s demise, and the act by Davis, saving her daughter from a maniacal father is also a huge plus and will attract an audience. I have nothing negative to write about this screenplay. There are parts in the dialogue that need correction for grammar or typographic errors, but nothing is critical. I cannot say enough praise about this screenplay. It is outstanding story with suspense and surprises.
To start off, this is a very beautiful story. I enjoyed reading it. You have a couple of grammar mistakes. When your characters ask a question, the sentence ends with a period and not a question mark? It's an easy fix and we all do it. The first page has a bit too much description. You can cut out the first sentence about the room and the hum of the washers. You can also take out the part about Edith's music from her headphones. You can maybe change it to something about her personality and walking into the laundromat listening to music. The part where you talk about Edith's blanket and say she has had it since she was a child doesn't need to be written. We can see it through how Mel and Edith interact and talk about it. Try to stay away from using "is" and "-ing" for your action lines. For example, you wrote," She is clearly trying to avoid something." You can put "She clearly tries" instead. Just as effective. A few ideas for you to consider: it's okay if you disagree. The part when Edith gives her monologue about who she was as a kid and how Mel came into her life, maybe you can write a flashback scene and do a voiceover of Edith talking while we as the audience see what life was like for her. If you have the time and resources, maybe you can try it. When you write spec scripts you don't write any camera angles or anything else of that matter. Towards the end, you wrote," 2 hands enter onto the screen,". You don't have to put that. But other than that, great stuff.
This certainly has the potential to be a really interesting and intriguing script. I already really like both leads. The opening moment with the defibrillator is an excellent introduction to this world and a fun piece of foreshadowing. There isn't a whole lot to go on in terms of character development, but I definitely want to see more of these characters. I think you handle a really difficult topic well, and for the most part do a good job of showing the audience what that can feel like. especially following the first time the two leads interact. What I think holds this screenplay back is that we open on Winston, and he is doing more than just talking to himself, he is monologuing to himself. As someone who talks to myself in a lot of the same ways that Winston does, I think his conversations would be more scattered, and go through a whole range of emotions beyond his woe is me attitude. With your other character you do an excellent job of show don't tell. you show us the posters on the wall, therefore we don't need to have the fact that she is depressed beaten over our heads. I think you need to work on finding a method of doing that with Winston. It was two or three lines before I realized he was talking to God. I also think you need to find a way to showcase more of Winston's background. He seems to know a lot about religion, but not enough for me to distinguish whether he grew up around religion, or the writer did. Overall a great concept with tons of potential.