by Clay von Carlowitz
I think the premise is very interesting and the story is well executed. There is a lot of witty dialogue and some characters that are very unique. You handled the story very well, making it simple and clear, without being dumbed down. There is a whole bunch of likable characters, although some can be unlikable at points, that make the story very interesting. If I had to make some criticisms, it's that some parts of the story aren't very clear. For example, you mentioned Homer dying in the script yet we never see the scene of how he died. Another problem with the script is the scenes with Ralph. The way Ralph talks makes it seem like he didn't know about the flood and was innocent, so Homer attacking him makes him seem unlikable. But at the end the sheriff said Ralph only cared about land, making him seem like a jerk. The character of Ralph isn't clear, so maybe make some dialogue to reveal that he's unlikable.
First of all, I would like to congratulate you on the extraordinary script that you have written. This is one of the finest scripts that I have read recently & it really opened my eyes to the thriller genre. The story with the characters, action line & dialogues are really proportionate enough with the story. The perfect life of a struggling actor begins to turmoil by one of his dilutional friends. I really liked Jay's character who is dilutional & at the same psychotic. He just wants his share of what he deserves, even if he has to kill for it. He won't hesitate at all. He hatches a bulletproof plan where he would achieve everything that he deserves. On the other hand, you have Al who cannot rid of the past but still stands with his head high, optimistic with the future. He believes hard work will let him climb the ladder to success. Classic antagonist vs protagonist clash. Meanwhile, the supporting cast with Jay's equally delusional girlfriend, Fiona who is being used as a pawn soldier. She has no other way but to help Jay in his web of lies & deception. Among characters, I also liked Detective Redlitz whos past with has lead to face with Al in the present. But being an officer of the law he must trust evidence, which he finds at the end. In the end, I would only say best of luck for your future projects & I will wait for more scripts like this.
The premise of the story is very intriguing, and its execution really hits the mark. When everyone starts to get infected, it creates a lot of tension in the story, and also a feeling of fear when they encounter the rabids. There is a large amount of intense moments and surprising twists that leave the reader shocked. However, the best aspect of the story is the take on human nature, showing how mean-spirited and unethical everyone is when dealing with the pandemic. It is also interesting to see how Eve deals with losing the people she cares about, and how she realizes how faulty she and the other people in the story are. While the story is serious, there is multiple times the script made me laugh, like the line on how to end the pandemic. I also like the twist ending, where instead of solving the pandemic, everyone ends up dying and humanity has to start all over again with humanoids. It shows how caring people could be, especially with the relationship with Clark and Eve. If there were some problems with the screenplay, it has to be the beginning, which feels very boring and generic. I think to make it more engaging, you should put the scene that introduces the white rat as the first scene in the movie. This will get the audience hooked into watching the rest of the movie. Also, I'm not sure including real-life political figures like President Trump and Kim Jong-un is a good idea, so you should replace them with fictional characters.
The Good The bones of this story are excellent. It is simple, concise, and too the point. The characters themselves are pretty good, once again simple, you communicate exactly who the characters are simply and easily. While the characters in this script are incredibly cliche, we've seen them a thousand times, they are the script's strong suit. Specifically Booksy and Chippy. The Mixed The biggest mixed aspect is the action lines. They convey what the character is thinkinh, and while there is nothing wrong with that necessarily, it doesn't need to be there. You should simply tell the reader how the characters thoughts appear in action. If you can't see it or hear it, don't write it. The Bad The biggest problem here is the Dialogue. It is atrocious. One of the bests things you can do, is say every line out loud before you write it, to ensure that it feels natural. If a line of dialogue is not something that you could hear in real life, then it should not be there. The other big negative here is your villain. He is creepy yes, but not in a good way. and He is written as an adult, which makes all of his actions even more odd and off putting.
the points I make later on builds on this idea). This certainly is challenging and I don't envy the task you have! So the story/structure follows a time old tradition of seeing the characters in the status quo, then a problem is introduced (act one). The character tries to solve the problem (act two). The character overcomes the problem and adjusts to the new normal (act three). In that sense, this story ticks all the boxes. It's just for me it needs something more because it is so short. It needs a twist, something readers won't see coming. Now this is of course easier said than done. But, off the top of my head, maybe you could bring the ending to the start, so we see Ben in his suit and he says that "someone's" been charged. Then we see a flashback to him, practising his bowling, dreading to go home (for some reason, we don't know why). We can then see a flashback of his childhood, which was traumatic and stressful. Then he comes back sporting a bloody eye and he alludes to a case of domestic violence. We then return to present and reveal that "The Comet" is actually his dad (so the photograph is of a man, not a woman) and his mother was arrested for domestic violence. The twist here being that as the audience we were expecting it to be a male figure. That's just off the top of my head and I'm sure you'll be able to come up with something better! Character Development/Dialogue So every word, every action has to count - because you're playing with so little. So everything has to be dialled up a notch. If Sean is the "boisterous, loud" character, what's the most entertaining way he could introduce himself? It might not be "Is he already here". Maybe it's a joke? Maybe it's something that creates intrigue and alludes to Ben - like "$5 says I know exactly where Ben is in the world right now". Beth "You've got to be stupid to take that bet" Ben "Why do you think I'm asking you?" That way we're showing Ben's cheeky, but we're also wondering how/why do they know this Ben character is definitely going to be here, a bowling alley of all places! So this is something that could be worked on. Overall with the dialogue you keep to the golden rule of short snappy sentences, and no character saying more than 3 sentences at a time (I've taken this from Sitcoms, and if anything it would be even stricter here!). But again, the main way I'd improve the dialogue (and the characters) is really trying to make sure each thing they say, they're saying it in the most "Beth/Sean/Ben" way possible! Another example would be in the scene where Beth and Sean are waiting. I think you did a good job of following her character (i.e. she was angry with him but sympathetic at the same time). What's the most "Beth" behaviour here? I imagine her nervously fidgeting with something, Sean getting annoyed at this. Then Sean would tell her to stop worrying and to calm down, nothing's probably happened to him anyway (he says this because he encouraged Ben to fight and he's actually worried for him). In terms of grammar/formatting, there's also some missing punctuation and misspellings/incorrect capitalisations dotted throughout that'll need correcting (an example in this scene - it'll be two instead of two, there's a capital I on if that isn't needed, "He immediately collapses" and "Beth then rushes over" should be on one line.