July Scripts of the month
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at least 2 complete reviews within the last 36 days (Jun 1, 2020).
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Script of the Month finalists get the following:
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How old is Mason? How old is Mr. Cure? Do you want people to know that Mr. Cure is a history buff? Mr. Cure uses Mason’s birthday as his code? How does Mr. Cure know anything about this? Maybe some dialogue. There is a flaw in the story. We are told Mason can’t go into the east wing and then Mr. Cure wanted him to see his future. That needs to be clear. Also, how does this work anyway? How did the image turn back from Mr. Cure to Mason? It can’t be based on each person’s birthday. The story has logic issues. I had to reread the ending twice because I didn’t get it at first and then I realized, oh, I see, Mason will be turning 30 in 12 mins. The problem with this is that Mason told us that he was 27. Why would he lie about his age? So now that you know that he is going to turn 30 in 12 mins then where is the woman? If you want to go with that ending then there needs to be a woman unless Mr. Cure is the one who dies??? That leads to another problem? Why is Mason going to kill someone in 12 mins there is no catalyst? He hasn’t shown us that he hates someone or has that type of personality to do so. Look over the dialogue, try to use that to tell us the story but do not try to be on the nose. Right now, the dialogue feels that way.
Overall, the script is well-formatted and follows the plot beats pretty good. t may be my own sense of humor, but I did not relate to any comedic tropes you attempted. I don't want to nit-pick this work because I can tell you spent a lot of hours and hard work to make this comes to life. Pun intended. I suggest looking for the screenplays for "Apartment 1303" (Japanese version and the 2007 film based on STephen King's short story "1408". Bizzare events, dramatic beats, character dialogue and horror aspects would assist you in pulling the tropes and thematic elements into the script. I'm not saying it's not good, just that it can use a bit more unpredictability and help with the ending, which a horror fan like myself predicted. Some of my initial items in the first 10 pages are: pg 1. Action line suggest remove the word Neat. Combine "Immaculately clean and organized." It reads a double stating the description. No need to restate this type of music. Streamline the action to, "An Antique RECORD PLAYER plays a vinyl. It spins hypnotically beneath the needle." Do people leave lipstick in the medicine cabinet or on the sink counter? Just asking because my personal experience has been the countertop. Marching = Marches How does he kick the chair if he stands on it? Tip it over, maybe? Great introduction to Darwin. I think you can give a couple of sentences to bring Madeline and Ed motivation or thematic life. As it is, they feel more as supporting characters that are 2-dimensional. The paranormal question from Scotty came out of nowhere. I think even buzzed Darwin would have reacted stronger at such an odd question and seeing FRANK in the closet.
Micro-budget horror movies if done right can be lucrative. This script has an inventive concept that I believe works in today’s market. It is for a particular demographic; I do not believe that I fit that demo but I do love horror movies and I believe I can offer an opinion on what I believe works/doesn’t work with the script. The two main characters feel a bit similar to each other. Their dialogue is frat boyish, which is okay for this type of movie. I do believe there are times though their dialogue states the obvious. As for the girl, she fits the genre. When it comes to the dialogue, the biggest flaw is with the Voice character. This character needs to have clever dialogue. It hurts your payoff if it is not stronger. For example, when we meet the Voice on page 43, the dialogue when asked who are you, responds, “I am what I am”. This character is the smartest person in the room and that’s how she responds? Why not give the characters something? At this point, they should be trying to outwit the Voice. On page 46, Shawn and Paul think they are dealing with a demon. That is a good reveal. The biggest flaw with the script, IMHO, is that I think that reveal is taken for granted. You wait until the end to capitalize off of it but you do not allow the viewers to learn anything about this ---who is pulling the strings. When the viewers get to the end and we get the reveal of the voice, the average viewer will go huh? You don’t want your viewers to leave your movie and go who was that and have to ask Alexa. You need to sprinkle that throughout the movie and have it where one of your characters is clever enough to tie the puzzle together. Look at the movie Heredity and Midsomer. These two movies have folk like characters that were explained to the audiences who were not familiar with the subject matter. There are a few things you can get away with not explaining in movies such as ghosts, vampires but everything else not known to GP needs to be at least tackled in the script. This is the biggest element that you are missing with your script.
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