Dude! You gave it all away with the title! I thought, "haha, well, if this isn't about gay porn." So the conclusion was severely anti-climatic. Sorry, but the concept isn't original. If its about a creative coming out, then you need to go crazier. If he has a go at his mate, well, this is too easy too. Reading the logline I expected a comedy. Maybe I'm a hard audience, but this was far too normal for me to pop a smile. Go crazy on the weird for the funny. And, slapstick is funny because people try to do something good but fail, mostly in increasing ways (think Adam Sandler). Also, I need a tiny save-the-cat-moment to be able to sympathize with the protagonist. Make me root for him to succeed, because it sooooo cuuuute how he admires and cherishes his roommate form afar, or in other words: set it up. Or was it a joke and we need to see him giggle? Or was this a move and we need to see him place condoms on his nightstand? If I don't know what the main characters's mindset is going into the scene, I don't know the stakes. The entire reading has no conflict to me, other than the friend being clearly bothered, but you haven't shown me, the viewer, why I should care about this. In other words, your act one needs a hook and this is harder in a short, than in a feature, because you only have a few minutes to do so. The script was hard to read, but not because of formatting, but because of the subject. I guess there is no good way to write a script about a person reading out loud a script. It's always kinda strange. The pacing of this piece is weird. There is no real warm-up to the story, and once they finish reading its two lines. To me it reads like 5% act one, 94% act two, and 1% act three. Also the conclusion wasn't clear enough for me: did he try to make a move, or was he just telling his roommate he's gay? Or was this supposed to be a joke? We need a setup, just to know the main character's intentions. About your original logline, I don't get it. The character in the read script seems okay with "lending a hand" the character reading the

I have never seen a short about a deaf boy tht included the necessary silence to tell his story. This is the thing I also like the most about your concept: the way you sparingly use sound. (It reminds me of the film "All i see is You" where this is done with the protagonist's sight.) The absence of sound is also the ting that drew me in right from the start and kept me wondering. You could even consider to go extreme and don't have any sond at all in the scenes from the boy's perspective. Then you could estblish the point ov view by the absence or the over-abundance of sound. As a first time critter of scripts the scenes looked to me well- structured and were easy to visualize. Then only thing I had to re-read was the very first beginnning: you describe in-depth side-characters who are irrelevant to the story. I had to retrace my steps after the in-dept descriptions of four people to find out which ones were the important one to remembemer. Consider just mentioning the side characters, but not describing them. I love you characters. There is not much you can show about them in such a short time, but in my opinion you did very well showing the father's stuggle, but keeping his real porblems a secret for a long time. The only thing that didin's suspend my disbeleif was that the deafness of the boy took five year to discover. Where I live (Germany) we have tow mandatory ear-screenings in the first year. And even if they don't have health-insurance, the father must have noticed the boy not reacting to sounds. They've known each others for five years. Or is it that he just couldn't afford the treatment? Love how you gave me the father's struggle to learn the sign language as a conflict for me to chew on, while his financial problems were going on in the backgroud, making for a nice twist. The climax was very satisfying. Love how we see it coming, but we're still feeling for the poor kid, who may not understand what's going on until it's too late. Also love how that answers my question if that is common in the US to pay lessons in advance. :-) All in all it was a fun read and something I would enjoy to watch one day.

Wow, this story has the bones of a prime time series. Even though some may see the story as derivative; 'Once Upon A Time', it is this readers opinion that with the marketability and writers unique voice on this story, that there is truly a chance to make this a reality. That being said i have many critiques and hope they only further your story and your personal style. Most of your 'mistakes', were commonly repeated. Showing not a lack of skill but that of mixed writing styles. At some points the script read like a novel, others, a stage play, and then back to screen. EX: Pg.1- '(or had)' giving away information. Pg. 2- 'PULL AWAY'- Camera direction is only used when absolutely necessary or when the writer also plans to direct the film as well. Pg. 4- "It's the last time"- Information. Pg. 4- "The picture clears"- Direction. Pg. 4- "Thank god"- your telling your audience/reader how to feel, show us. Pg. 4- "Young girl again"- lose 'again'. Pg. 7- "This will be"- not necessary. Pg. 17- "watches her with until"- lose 'with'. There are several examples and instead of writing them all down I figured you would get my point. Furthermore, you use an excessive amount of references. Instead I would use your unique voice to describe rather than compare. Lose the Formatting, "Act I, Act II, Act III"- your reader and audience should be able to distinguish these without you telling us. Lose the "Jump Cuts". There are a few points in the script that I felt like the dialogue was out of order. Such as when Florence 'washes' ashore in the cave and she asks why Miri saved her? This early in the story I had the belive that Florence had been a long distance from shore in the wild Atlantic, not close to home. I expected her questions to be more; who are you? where am I?, etc... There are other "industry standards", that I believe need to be remedied but I think too much negative feedback would only hurt this script. Now I think it's time for some positive. The Marketability of this script is off the chain and it has a broad yet clear audience. While reading I often laughed out loud and found even with the "mistakes" that the script was full of joy and it made me smile. Next Page.

Good Day, I hope this finds you well. Normally I do my reviews in a specific order but this one is different so I shall review in the same order as I read your Script. I hope none of my critiques are too harsh and all will help yourself and your script in the future. BLUR: Starting with reversed domestic violence is a very intriguing hook, well done. Pg. 6- 'shocks'- 'shakes'?- 'shocking'? Pg. 8- Jade is an interesting Character I think you can dig deeper with her, also in my opinion I would not have her use Gemma's name most the time, it's too personal. I'd also shorten her dialogue, it will give your audience more sympathy for Gemma. Pg. 9- 'Why did Gemma give jade the Vodka, after telling her she threw it out?' This could be fleshed out a little more, this readers interpretation is that Gemma knows this is when Jade is happy and will show "Love" which Gemma craves.- (Later you confirm this but I still think it can be fleshed out a bit more.) Pg. 9- "CHRIST KNOWS, GEMM!"-Despite my earlier not, keep this, make it a shout but this was a golden line and will be strengthened if you take out the earlier "Gemma's". Pg. 12- "She's 'our' girl", Is Dad this weak or could you show the first sign of strength and have him say 'my girl'. Also Gemma's outburst here, toward her father, seems unnatural and out of character up till this point. You can have her upset and leave but I would not have her "pissed" at her dad. Let your audience interpret her anger, it helps them connect with the character. Pg. 13- This middle section is the most confusing part of the whole script. They are locked inside the apartment, and instantly freak out and try breaking the window to no avail. Why? Yes it is a stressful spot to be in but they are in no danger, this is not a logical move nor does it call for such a violent scene. This is one spot I think you can completely rewrite because you have the same story without the beating on the window pages. Pg. 14- 'their' Pg. 14- 'mold', Pg. 16- Don't say, "we follow", it's no longer the industry standard. Pg. 17- 'Fetal' I have a few more notes but that's for page two.